6.01.2007

Meanwhile... Back at Ace Mansion....

Well, well, well.... I'm not sure how it happened or, more importantly, WHY... But when my good friend G.R. told me Lucky Pet had a caged tiger in his possession, curiosity got the best of me. (What do you want? I'm genetically inclined that way.)

So I grabbed my overcoat and fedora and the keys to the Tiger Lotus and sauntered over to Lucky's Hideaway to see for myself. Sure enough, there was a delicious little Tigress/Human crossbreed locked up in a little cage for all to see.

Suddenly, I knew something was up... I could smell, with my highly tuned sniffer, the scent of a blue bear... There was Billy! Hmmm... I've never know LP to instigate problems, but BB... That's another story. I decided to keep quiet and feel out the situation a bit more.

"It's Ace! Or as we now refer to her, ggrrrrACE!" I thought they'd caught me, but BB was pointing to the feminine feline. Apparently, Billy believed he'd transmogrified his cat Mittens and I into one hell of a kitty cat.

I was flabbergasted, but then I noticed my friend and confidante, jem, chiming in as well. "Wonder if I could rent this cat for awhile? I have some problem vermin I'd like to get rid of..."
What a little bitchass!

Lucky's expression drooped. "Oh, shit! I have a hard on for ace!"

I couldn't take it any more... I was speechless, but I just had to correct them. All I could manage was a weak, "...um...?" They turned toward me, not recognizing me in my coat and hat, and I just looked up and the sky and whistled until they looked away again.

How could they have made such a glaring error? I've been running around the country all month opening up new cookie factories in economically desperate regions, but somehow they think they'd captured me and...

Then I noticed something about the captive cat.

A cigar! Well, that explains a lot. I hate the things... Can't stand them... But my sometimes doppelganger not-ace swears by them! (Figuratively and literally.) It appears poor old not-ace was in the wrong place at the wrong time. not-ace looked at me, pleadingly, but I couldn't come to his/her rescue now... I needed to find out more.

I backed away slowly, returned to my car, and drove home. True, not-ace/mittens made quite the combo. My tiger blood boils hottest for Ms Kate, but this creature was nothing to sneeze at. I flipped open my cell and IM'd Ms Kate, letting her know that I was safe and sound.

I was concerned that the wastelands have taken their toll on the gang. Surely this attempted hazing didn't have anything to do with the fact that I didn't join them on their crusade! Maybe I hadn't been the friend to them that I should have been... Maybe in my haste to open more cookie factories I had negleted some posting and comments that I should have taken more care of.

I called my secretary and asked her to ship two crates of cookies each to Ms Kate, Princess Grace, Miz Ava, Ms Veronica, Ms Tara, billybear, jem, lucky pet, bankyboo, and pantysue. However this situation had unfolded, I wanted them to know how much I cared about them. Thinking for a moment, I had Gladys add two more boxes of my experimental tiger-creme shortbreads to billy and lucky's shipments. It seemed they needed a bit of extra TLC.

Now I sit here in my overstuffed chair, reading over the latest numbers from my Anchorage factory, wondering what will become of this latest adventure into insanity. Surely most of the recipients of those cookies will assume foul play at work, we shall see. And as for not-ace/mittens.... As much as I hate to lose both an expensive clone and a close personal friend (mittens is the latter), a cost/benefit analysis of the situation tells me there will be other opportunities. I must patiently await them. In the interim, Mittens is safely locked away in that cage, no longer readily available as a, um, therapeutic distraction, to billy's anger. And something tells me he's gonna be awful sore soon.

Enjoy the cookies, my friends!

17 comments:

Lucky Pet said...

Thank you ace for clearing this up. I don't know how billy got confused . It is very magnanimous of you to let me keep not-ace. I hope that billy will be so generous with Mittens. While she may be caged I promise not to put her in the microwave or stick her with forks. That makes her smile to hear me say that.

I hope its okay but I would like to still call her grrrrrAce. grrrrrnotace does not have the same ring.

Thanks for the cookies grrrrrAce and I are enjoying them already. She does tricks for cookies. Smart kitty.

BillyBear said...

I'm not sure how it happened or, more importantly, WHY

Oh pluhese. You know WHY!

Maybe I hadn't been the friend to them that I should have been

No you're a good friend in a backstabbing sort of way. It's one of the things I guy-love about you. Anyway we all knew you couldn't make it and that was cool with us. So, you know, keep fishing, it's amusing.

reading over the latest numbers from my Anchorage factory

Those poor enslaved elves. I shall return for you my brothers after I'm done with this important stuff I'm doing!

Mittens is safely locked away in that cage, no longer readily available as a, um, therapeutic distraction, to billy's anger.

Yep, I guess you're the only cat about for me to um therapeutically distract myself with, come here big guy!

I don't know how billy got confused

WTF?! YOU WERE THERE! This sentence should read I don't know how WE got confused.

::billy rips a clump of whiskers from ace's face::

I hope that billy will be so generous with Mittens.

Nope. Ripping whiskers from ace's face just isn't the same since he's got lawyers and crap. I'll be by to detransmorgify them tomorrow.

MissTara said...

dearest of cookie mavens,

Thank you so much for the cases of thin mints. yes, THIN MINTS. I know other people got things like trefoils and do si does, but ace sends the best to those who deserve them.

I was sorry to hear about your little not-buddy, it seems that he and poor mittens may be in for a Fate Worse Than BillyBear...at least temporarily.

Best of luck with your adored Ms Kate and I've enclosed Billy's elf costume, when he comes to liberate your cookie makers, if you can get him into the pointy shoes he's much less impressive.

little bitchass said...

*Surely this attempted hazing didn't have anything to do with the fact that I didn't join them on their crusade!*

That had nothing to do with it, ace.... billyprophet led us to believe that Princess Grace had commanded us to go with him. Since you are MsKate's, it's perfectly understandable that you would exercise caution in the matter.

But if you don't hand over some of that stockpile of Thin Mints to me, I may just drag you along kicking and screaming next time.

And how come Miss Tara always gets all of the Thin Mints? Is that why you never seem to get spanked???

little bitchass

Ace said...

While she may be caged I promise not to put her in the microwave or stick her with forks.

Thanks, Lucky. But I don't know why everyone gets on Billy about mittens. He's not THAT mean to cats.

::billy rips a clump of whiskers from ace's face::

OWWWWWW! Son of a bitch!!!!

Ms Tara... Gladys has standing orders to keep your thin mints stocked. Enjoy!

And how come Miss Tara always gets all of the Thin Mints? Is that why you never seem to get spanked???

Because Ms Tara didn't try to rent me when I was a supposed caged halfbreed. However, I have a whole crate of "Average Proportioned Mints" I'm sending your way right now. (Half are to be sent to the Corruptrix, if you wouldn't mind forwarding them along.)

Cookie Monster said...

Why you no send me cookies? Me LIKE cookies!

MissTara said...

That's right, bitchass! Ace knows his real friends, the ones that don't try to take perverted advantage of him when they assume he's a weird half breed tiger/woman transmogrified with billy's imaginar...oh hell. He gives Me the fucking Thin Mints. Deal, you bimbo boobed horndoggette.

BillyBear said...

Billy's elf costume, when he comes to liberate your cookie makers, if you can get him into the pointy shoes he's much less impressive.

GASP! MsTara is willing to enslave my people for Her voracious thin mint needs. Who knew that this tree hugging baby seal loving hippie would have such monstrous views. Oh I guarantee you'll be hearing from someone about something VERY SOON!

I promise that any day my people I shall rise up and, well any day might be problematic. I have a little mini-vacation on deck, plus I'm sorta fasting for Princess - nothing healthy for billy! And when I get back from vacation I've got that ... thing

Look my people, you are on the list and once I find that list I shall act on it ... sooner or later!

::billy starts pushing empty thin mint boxes out of the way looking for the list::

OH! What's this? Shiny!

BillyBear said...

That's right, bitchass!

Yeah bitchass!!! Whatever MsTara is babbling about now!

Deal? What are you playing, crazy eights? What? Can I play?

Princess Grace said...

*purrrr* Thank you for the cookies ace. I am sure I will enjoy them once I am back to My "normal" self. ::giggles/purrr:: But for now...I have something else I want to nibble on. *purrrrr*

little bitchass said...

*the ones that don't try to take perverted advantage of him when they assume he's a weird half breed tiger/woman*

Now now Miss Tara, calm down. I merely wanted to provide the imprisoned little tigress with an employment opportunity... a work release program of sorts. I don't see that as perverted in any way. Because of your slanderous statements, I think now you should give me ALL of your Thin Mints.

Oh, and I noticed you spelled transmorgified wrong... no big deal... I'm just sayin'...

*Deal? What are you playing, crazy eights?*

Are you trying to say I'm crazy? That doesn't bother me. I've heard that one before.

And thanks for the "average proportioned mints", ace! Along with all the Thin Mints I get from Miss Tara, I should be set for months! I'll pass half of the APMs on to Corruptrix if I see her. We seem to rarely be in the same room at the same time.

little bitchass

little bitchass said...

*Thank you for the cookies ace. I am sure I will enjoy them once I am back to My "normal" self.*

No tempting cookies for You, Princess... you're fasting! I'll just hold onto those for You until You're done Your fast.

Your little bitchass

Ace said...

OH! What's this? Shiny!

Billy, that's a very special quarter. Could you please send it back? Pretty pleeeeease?

::giggles/purrr:: But for now...I have something else I want to nibble on. *purrrrr*

Very shrewd, Princess Grace... Very shrewd indeed. Your box of catnip triplestufts are on the way. (I sent them overnight in hopes the storyline doesn't change before they arrive.)

I merely wanted to provide the imprisoned little tigress with an employment opportunity...

Really? That's great, jem, because once not_ace gets out of therapy he's gonna need an honest job. What does it pay?

MissTara said...

slanderous? correcting my SPELLING?
treehugging hippie with monstrous views? You know, some people are getting MIGHTY free with their uppityness lately. You would think this was a democracy, with free speech, instead of a total Mistressocracy. I'm having one of my hippie psychic flashes,::hand to forehead:: I'm seeing a shaved red baboon butt on a blue care bear body, and a certain bodaciously bimbo boobed babe polishing her corner plaque with the nips.

Whew. Those visions take a lot out of me. The spankings aren't nearly so strenuous:)

BillyBear said...

You know, some people are getting MIGHTY free with their uppityness lately.

Yes MsTara, it saddens billy to see jem so out of control like this! She deserves her beating and plaque polishing.

I sure am glad I'm not uppity like jem! Good billy, nice billy, yet yep that's me all right!

It looks like you got the vision mostly right, I'm a prophet, you might have heard but I'll bet you most likely got jem in her furry blue panties (don't ask) confused with me! Had to be!

Those visions take a lot out of me.

Well I'm glad you didn't pull a muscle!

::rolls eyes::

At lucky! I was rolling them at lucky did you just see what he did?!

Lucky Pet said...

I did nothing.

BillyBear said...

I did nothing.

Oh that old saw, Sargent Schultz?

::rolls eyes again at lucky::